Lying Awake
by special2401
Summary: One Shot from mid season 2. Angst and pain may keep Meredith and Derek apart forever, but does that mean that their love will ever really die?


**So I've never written a one shot before, but I decided to. I was actually writing this as a scene for something else and it became a random one shot. Anyways, the title is Lying Awake by Death in December. I suggest listening to it. I didn't write this to the song, so they might not go together that great, but the meanings work. I know I don't write like I used to, but I still hope you guys are all waiting for this summer when I can write! This is just a little preview I guess!**

**Enjoy!**

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_Half the world wouldn't know what it\'s like to lose your soul but I can see it so clearly…_

Joe looked over at the other side of the bar, watching as Meredith ran her finger along the edge of empty shot glass. She'd been doing that before the bar started clearing out and now that it was nearly empty, she was still there. Her other hand was supporting her heavy head, her head falling forward every once in awhile as she drifted between sleep and consciousness.

In the hours prior, her friends had been here as well, but it didn't make a difference. They were all laughing and having a good time. Joe wasn't sure whether or not the picture before him was sadder than the fact that her friends were completely oblivious to her suffering. He'd seen it go on for weeks, but usually someone would take her home, even if it were a random guy. Tonight, however, all of her friends were paged to work and she shrugged off every guy that looked in her direction

He moved to the phone, deciding to call her cab, when the bell over the door rang. She didn't flinch or make any sign that she heard it. It was as if she was in an entirely different world. The steps behind her failed to alert her as well. Joe was about to intervene, but the desperation on the man's face prevented him from moving. This was something that he should not get in to.

"Meredith." The name rolled off his tongue as it always has, despite the exhaustion consuming his body. It was nearly two in the morning, but he had to talk to her. "I've been trying to talk to you."

She lifted her head slightly, but her back was still facing him. She didn't have to look at him to know who it was. It was always him. It always would be. She didn't have the strength to say anything and she didn't know what she would say if she did. She had figured he would have gotten the picture when she ignored him for a week straight, but apparently Derek Shepherd was as much of an idiot as Cristina thought.

"George told me that I could find you here, he said you might need a ride home. He's worried about you. I'm worried about you," Derek said, his heart clenching at the thought of what her life has been like lately. He never allowed himself to think about it before this. But now, the wreck he'd created was sitting before him in all her broken beauty.

She rolled her eyes before dropping her head back down in her hand. Derek deserved nothing from her and that's exactly what she was going to give him. It didn't matter that she needed him, that she craved to just look at him, really look at him. If she did, it would only make it harder when she couldn't look at him tomorrow or the day after that. She had to get used to the fact that he wasn't hers anymore.

She could here his feet shuffle slightly on the hard floor. It was clear he was uncomfortable, but he came here willingly. She didn't want him here in the first place.

"I've been trying to see you because I need to tell you something."

His words meant nothing to her. She wouldn't allow them to. Too many times had she trusted him and taken his meaningless words to heart. She wouldn't allow herself to do that anymore. It would only be more of a mess for her to clean up later.

"I'm leaving."

Meredith was ready to spit out some bitchy sarcastic response, but when his words finally came out of his mouth, she did a double take. She felt like the wind was knocked out of her. "What?" she gasped, resenting herself for sounding like she cared. She didn't want to care. Him leaving should make it easier. She should be happy.

Seeing her broken eyes looking up at him, like he was supposed to have all the answers, made this whole thing harder than it had to be. He was only here because he felt like he had to tell her. She deserved more than to show up at work and discover she had a new boss, but now he was regretting it. What was with his sudden need to be fair to her? Nothing about their relationship had ever been the least bit fair to her.

"I'm leaving," he repeated. They both knew what he had said the first time, but saying it again made it so much more real. She didn't want to try to comprehend it. It was so much easier to avoid the entire idea.

"I'm going to Los Angeles," he said, hoping that if he kept talking, he could resist the urge to pull her in his arms and never let go. This is why he had to leave. He couldn't keep feeling like this. It was wrong.

"What's in Los Angeles?" she mouthed, the words barely coming out of her dry throat. Her eyes were bouncing their focus from place to place, refusing to concentrate on anything, especially the man in front of her.

Derek sighed and sat down on the bar stool next to her, hoping that he could finish this conversation without something dramatic happening on either side. "A new start."

"And Addison?" she asked. Her eyes gave up on their frantic search for salvation, now following him and 

his every move.

Derek didn't want to think about what it actually meant anymore than she did, but his sober mind refused to let him escape reality. It took a lot of will to prevent him from filling himself with the alcohol before him, but he knew that this would go a lot different if both of them were inhibited.

"She's going with me."

The way her face fell tortured him. He could have lived his whole life and never would have wanted to see the complete and utter betrayal in her eyes, her last shred of hope completely shattered.

"Oh."

Her eyes fell away from him fixating themselves on her empty shot glass once again. Derek placed her his hand on her shoulder in an attempt to comfort her in some way, but she just shrugged him off as if his touch burned.

"Look, Derek," she said, looking up at him again. There was fire in her eyes that had been absent before, but her drunken state made it even more rampant than it would have been otherwise. "I don't know what you're doing here. You can more wherever the hell you want with your wife. This has nothing to do with me."

"Mer, that's not- I just came here because I wanted-"

"You wanted what?" she spat out, her body gaining a drunk induced strength that he had seen too much of lately. "Me to tell you not to? To tell you that if you come back realizing you made a mistake that I'll be here waiting? Or did you want me to convince you not to go? What? Really, Derek, tell me, because I obviously have never known what you wanted."

She attempted to stand up as her slurred words continued to stumble out of her mouth, but her heels made it difficult. Derek jumped in and grabbed her, preventing her from falling, but he only succeeded in prompting her to lash out. She slapped him across the face, grabbing the bar to steady her afterwards.

Derek held his cheek, more out of surprise than pain. He couldn't believe that Meredith just slapped him, regardless of the fact that she was drunk. He knew he deserved it, but his Meredith would have never done that. She would have just walked away.

"I have nothing for you Derek. I don't know why you're here. Just go," she slurred, still holding the bar for support.

"Just let me to take you home," Derek offered, hoping he could do one last thing for her before he left.  


She shook her head, pushing herself off the bar. Slowly, she walked past him, her feet stumbling every once in awhile. He turned around to watch her, hoping he could find something to do or say that would make everything better. "Meredith…"

His soft whisper stopped her abruptly, surprising him. She turned around and glanced at him, so much hatred in her eyes he questioned whether this woman was the same woman he'd met not so long ago. "Don't come back," she stammered before stalking off into the crisp night, leaving her past and a broken man behind.

_Why can't this finally be over...  
I'll never have you right where I want you…  
I want you..._


End file.
